Of anger. Of fear. Of betrayal. Of clinging. Of longing.

Content warning: discussion of trauma

As someone on the receiving end of it, it is difficult to understand why somebody would end up doing that. What possibly could have hurt you so badly that you didn't hesitate before hurting somebody else. I was told to be empathetic towards the people around me, and even you, if I could find it in myself to do so. But I don't think I can even look at you.

As I am left with these feelings, which were not mine to begin with

But I can't even discard them anymore because that would mean discarding myself

So, I am trying my best to understand these feelings, and move forward..

Of anger

Anger because I could not save myself from it

Anger because I did not allow myself to grieve

Anger because not everyone cares enough about it

Anger because sometimes I feel like I’m all alone in this

Of fear

Fear of being alone with myself

Fear of not knowing if I will ever be okay

Fear if I will ever be enough for myself

Fear of the feeling of wanting to abandon myself

Of betrayal

To constantly betray yourself

To allow someone to betray you

To allow yourself to not let the betrayal turn you cold

Of clinging

Of clinging onto habits which may not serve me positively all the time

Of clinging onto people who may be constantly betraying and manipulating me

Of clinging onto all these things because it's just easy

Of longing

Longing for something to make me feel enough

Longing for someone who thinks I am enough

Longing for someday to not feel as heavy as today and yesterday and the day before